Love

On a pavement next to a university building there was a rugged young man walking with a guitar straped on his back. He always took that route religiously.  Meanwhile inside that same university building there was a young woman who was always bored and is seldom interested in her subjects. 

One day the woman coincidencially stared at the window overlooking the man with the guitar. After judging his looks, she began to throw coins to gain his attention and she succeeded.

 She quietly made a gesture for her teacher not to notice,  it was a signal for him to play music for her.  The man accepted,  picked up the coins and played music with sincerity. Upon hearing the music the girl was initially impressed.  She throwed more coins and asked for two more songs.
With the man as a background music, she can now concentrate on the lesson with ease.  

Those brief encounters would continue to grow.  Aside from coins,  they exchanged foods,  jokes, music and thoughts despite their distance.  

Until one day the man decided to sell his guitar, he used his money for an entrance exam to the university where the woman is.  The change was kept as savings and was also used to buy pen and paper.  He used the pen and paper to write a message for the woman.  

On the following days he called her from the same spot but she did not show up.  Assuming she was just sick he continues doing it and then the examination day came.  

Blazing with the desire to know what happened to the woman he gave his all. His effort was a success though as he made it even though he is at a very low rank.
But as he start to enter the university as a student,  he found out that she already left the univeristy.  Then it sinked in that they did not speak of the future.  They just enjoyed what was in front of them until it lasted.  

The man started his days as if it is his final days.  Always in the same bored mood like the young girl before knowing him.  One day while spacing out beside the window,  his eye caught a glimpse of what's beneath him.  

The young woman he aspires to be with was walking on the lane he always took.  Unable to shout during lectures he took the advantage from being at the upper level. He threw all the coins he had to make the loudest sound that she has to hear.  

As the coins made a sound the woman stopped walking,  the man started to wish with all his heart to make the woman look his way.  She looked but she was puzzled, unable to recognize the neat looking man he is right now.  The man in clean school uniform and without the guitar.  The girl tried to remember as she walks looking towards the man.  

The man started to get anxious with her reaction, but before it gets the best of him he remembered the letter he wrote for her.  He made gestures implying that she should read the letter that he would give her.
The woman suddenly felt familiarity as she felt emphaty with the man who was unable to talk loudly.  So she decided to read the letter.  

After reading it's contents the young woman began to smile. She started picking up the coins,  put it inside a pouch and threw it with all her strength back to the man.  Then she shouted with a loud and clear voice her office address and schedule.  

Both felt the joy in that moment that the professor noticed the man grabbing a pouch of coins and smiling at the window like a madman.  The professor then asked for his attention and after the distraction the woman was gone from his sight.  

Later that day the man followed the schedule and address.  After waiting for an additional hour the girl finally rushed out from the building doors. Their worries was both erased as both of them smiled at each other.  They ate dinner together and started to catch up on a lot of things. 

At the end of the day they knew a deeper part of each other's stories, on why the man needed to sell his guitar,  his passion and how the woman endured with his help and pursued a career she did not want.  

Since then,  they meet each other frequently. And when the woman got her salary,  she brought the man a new guitar.  The boy on the other hand saved some of his allowance in order to buy a painting set,  it was the woman's hidden passion: painting.  

After both gifts were simultaneously bought, they decided to meet. They were both surprised because despite the fact that it's far from Christmas or any other special day both have heartwarming presents for each other.  

They both exchanged  and appreciated the gifts. The two went on walking side by side and after a few steps they held each others hands..

Digimon: The Connection We Had

     What is a Digimon? Digimon stands for "digital monsters". If you are a kid or kid at heart during the 90s i'm sure you are familiar. You know Digimon as an anime, Pokemon's rival, a tamagochi game, or a PlayStation game.

     I am a fan of Digimon but also a fan of Pokemon, regarding them being as rivals. I don't see it that way. Both are unique and both tales weave two different concept far from each other.

To elaborate:

IN GETTING STARTERS:

In Pokemon the relationship is between pet and owner, you choose what Pokemon you want based on the availability of the choices.

In Digimon the relationship is partnership and a destined bond. In the Digimon World a partner Digimon is already waiting for you.

IN GETTING ADDITIONAL POKEMON/DIGIMON:

In Pokemon you catch them using Pokeballs(As general term: this includes great ball, ultra ball, etc.)
if the Pokemon is too aggressive you force it to a fight in order to catch them.

In Digimon, they speak human language so you can convince them to join you but some of them are nasty so like Pokemon you need to make them submit in a fight but the difference is, if they really don't want to join you, they won't. (Tip: adapt a digi egg and raise it instead)

IN EVOLUTION

Pokemons mostly have a linear evolution line like a butterfly ( butterfree for example) but there are cases of non linear evolution like Eevee. And recently environmental evolution (Alolan forms)

Digimons on the other hand evolve depending on how you raise them and treat them, (ex. Agumon
can evolve to a disgusting Numemon if you don't take good care of it or to a strong looking Greymon if you raised it happy and strong, or to a Tyrannomon if you spoil it, or a Meramon if you balance things too much.)

Sorry for the nerdy intro but you get my point: The two "Mons" are different

       Digimon is having it's 20th anniversary 2017-2018 . And at a mall I manage to find a Gashapon(capsule vending machine) that commemorates it's 20th anniversary. I love Betamon! (Frog looking creature with a big red fin) so after failing to get something from a convention I impulsively gambled on a capsule machine (I am a bad example, don't try please XD) I tripled up on Numemon (Awful looking green slime) and Monzaemon (Creepy bear) and finally a Betamon!.

     I got what I want but this is where things start to get sentimental. Only one Digimon is left to complete the set: the all time big time main mascot of Digimon Agumon (Yellow Rex-like Dino). Yeah even in main mascot both are yellow (*Pikachu*).

So I get more tokens, like a kid.

And like a kid I tried again..

Because, Agumon is a friend...

Agumon is my friend's partner

If the Digimon world was real, Agumon is Arel's partner Digimon

     He is a childhood friend. Agumon was one of his favorites. And their temperaments are the same so probably they're Digidestined. They are both fiery and fun.

     At the moment the inner child kicked in. I remember the days we spent, afternoons & nights playing Digimon in PS1. How we discover, laugh and get frustrated when defeated. And the way we get more enthusiastic and excited when we discover things out, it's a one player game but it's magic on how we shared it. I suddenly missed the days.

     We grew up separately during highschool. At times we meet we seldom talk but there is a feeling of understanding, no awkwardness. We had that warm bond even few words are spoken.

     We had the time to reunite with more time during college briefly. But came his untimely death that shocked us. The last thing we saw each other is when we greet each other at the university when we passed by different directions, I never knew it would be the last.

    During the period of mourning I started to doubt myself, because no words was spoken by me. Am I a good friend? If back then I doubled my efforts to communicate should this event be avoided? I had guilt, I had an unavoidable guilt.

    Connecting that back to the Agumon figure I was comforted getting it, every time I look at it. That Agumon figure I got while gambling like a dumb kid. It resonated a message to me. A message that our inner child can understand.

"Hey, remember Digimon?"

I sure miss those days side by side by the TV playing PS1 like a brother I never had.































































































































"I always look up to you, between the two of us you are the stronger one and i'm the weaker one. It's been years and I will always feel that way. I still feel life was so unfair that you left us so early. Five years have passed and i'm still struggling to grow up and find my success despite all. But I will still find hope in the strength you showed in life and do the best that I can to breakthrough. Watch over us from heaven. Thank you for the things you shared to us."

Is Quarter-Life Crisis just a Millenial Drama? No it is Not.

Long time no blog, personally I have my say in quarter-life crisis. And what I have observed is this: it's true that career and earning is a big factor to the internal crisis. The following opinion is my take, my personal scope and some experiences.

It starts either pressure from home at some occassions but most of the time the root cause is at schooling days, there is somewhat a discouragement of following what we truly want that in my personal experience tend to lead to the so-called quarter-life crisis.

 Stage 1: Growing with Discouragement: at an early age our minds are being set to a practical path, they don't literally say it but the bottomline is: 'care less about art, music, literature, tle, history and social studies. Focus on Math, Science because they guide you to high paying jobs, English too in case, and Computer because it's the next big thing. Earning big is better than what you want to be.'

Then there came a point I saw people who are talented and passionate, but when you look at the course they are taking it's nothing related to their passion. When asked why, they will answer it is the practical, high employment rate choice or high paying. You see them smiling at the answer but you feel a lingering feeling of something that is not right and that is stage 2: Suppression.

And when we suppress we kind of justify:
Stage 3: Justification/Denial, we justify that the path we frequently complain about is still the right path of our lives and subconsciously this is either a dangerous or adaptive stage. When someone has loved their job that is good it's adapting and it's averting the crisis. Healthy romantic relationships at this stage also contributes in avoiding the crisis. But to the latter, the reason why this stage is dangerous is because this is where mindsets and attitudes change. It can be a range of cynical to suicidal. It is also a point where we induce sublimation through more work, alcoholism, addiction to vices but there are also good sublimation through games, sports, travel, art, pets, etc. Justification done with style.

Stage 4: Breakpoint
At this point some people might already got through quarter life crisis while others are still living it but at this stage is the make or break. This is a point where we either accept all those years and putting personal dreams in a well built case on a well built shelf, it is somewhere between preparing for a family life or the next stage, the road to mid-life with a peaceful heart. It is also where others scream out, resign on their jobs and do what they desire and it's good for them, but sadly this is also a point where some gives up, barely carrying themselves toward midlife.

Throughout the stages the harsh reality we must accept is that, not everyone will have the opportunity to live their dreams and fulfill what they desire, not everyone can afford even some of our parents and grandparents didn't. But if you are blessed to build a well planned family of your own you can give your sons and daughters that privilege.

Here are some advices, some lessons I learned:

Don't give up on life because if not all of us, most of us are in the same boat. Carry each other up, rather than putting each other down, all of us will stay in bottom if we choose the drag each other.

Be patient, Ieyasu Tokugawa was a hostage at his childhood, served the clan that kept him captive for years and he was already too old when he became shogun of Japan, but at least he lived to reach his own peak. At 24-30s we are practically still young so if you are still clueless on what to do it's ok.

It is your time, you are truly the one managing it, not your boss or anybody. You decide where you apply your leave, you decide if you want to be late, you decide if you want to take the consequences of misbehavior. And in the contract when taking a job you are the one to write your name and signature. Accepting the reality that you are truly the one deciding on your kind of life is crucial.

 Have the courage to pursue and breakout of the cycle. Why are we enslaving ourselves to a work we don't want when we are taught to be practical. Doing what you are really capable of is also being practical. Many famous people rose from bottom in pursuing what they want even it cost them to live on the streets. The cost of sublimation to keep yourself up on a unwanted job sometimes amounts to the cost of doing what you want, so choose the life that amounts to least regret.

In quarter life crisis mostly we question what we do, and whether we are doing the right thing, if there is still time to live out success, how many more years working before we enjoy life, is it too late for something or not. Midlife crisis is mostly built up of regrets. So while there is still time, follow your heart, find the bravery to do so.

Also this is a good speech to listen to: "what if money was no object." -Alan Watts https://youtu.be/khOaAHK7efc

"Under Light Under Burden by Yours Truly"

Stay strong because everyone struggles, you are not alone, keep that in mind especially when you feel the loneliness, the insecurity, the pressure and stress.

What is Love? How I see it, How I show it

October 26, 2015 (18:00)

     This day has been a day of cancelled plans, in the morning plans of working on the thesis got rescheduled. Plans on having an overnight to aid another thesis group was canceled and during lunchtime I was craving for a "sashimi" and I was planning to buy at the local store and yes you are correct it didn't happen. The only thing that has happened is me having a sleep it was an unplanned action, so much like love.

     I just woke up it's about 6:00 pm from where I'm from and just decided to blog about love. I was thinking about that topic since Saturday evening and maybe to ease and have peace with that thought I'm going to write my opinions about love. Without further ado I will start.

     First is definition, I don't really know and I don't see any correct definition, but according to Wikipedia it is : a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranges from interpersonal affection ("I love my mother") to pleasure ("I loved that meal"). It can refer to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment I don't really believe in this long convincing definition, if love was made from a variety of feeling then what is love as a feeling. All in all I do not believe in this. For me love has rich meaning from it's lack of meaning. Only living things can define it, it is like when flowers bloom in a different season and animals on how they raise their offspring. Nigh understandable at all times, not only pleasure nor only hurt. No definition but meaningful to feel and live for.

       How long does it last? It depends when you see it on a romantic way but for me it lasts a lifetime. Yes a lifetime, I was given a blessed opportunity to witness some of my grandparents live until their deaths but I don't find them senile when it comes to feelings. Even when their memory seems jammed signs of love shows. They remember experiences, memories, and people they may not be exact on names, dates or places. The things they mostly say at their twilight reflects on two things memories of love and loss. They also recount losses because aside from love it was also a strong feeling/experience. I admit they call it scientifically as Alzheimer's disease but I think it is much better to send them off thinking of them as "my brave grandpa/grandma who dared to live and love" rather than, "my sick grandpa/grandma with Alzheimer's".

      I even read a book that said to love is always a first feeling you don't really feel the same love with others, and anything that is first is hardwired in the brain. Love is timeless, no not that traditional quote but for me love is time-less. Ever since I first loved somebody else aside from family I always said to myself and even said to her that "love is timeless". That love is never measured by time nor affected by it. to feel love is to exclude the numbers of the clock and the calendar. There is no expiration to love as I believed. I will always love the person I loved, that's why I am having difficulties to move on and forgetting. 

     As I observed and interacted with people in my life I learned that when love is hard to forget it's either the love is true or their virginity was taken by that previous lover or a combination of both. My advise on that is don't forget love, those memories someday might build you up if you focus on the positive things while reminiscing it. I think it is not infidelity if you just remembered, there will always be some traces the things I find wrong is the act of cheating and adulterous thoughts. Sometimes trying to forget will just destroy you and lastly never chase unless you are desperate. On my part I loved many, and on those failed love I remember the sweet things not those days that  caused me the greatest hurt (On occasionally drunk days I do remember the hurt). To tell the truth some of my failed relationship(friendship/courtship in particular, NGSB by the way) with people was because of my belief that love is timeless, I loved them but I did not love them in a way that is understandable by many and in the end it was all misunderstood. 

    Partly I think that they see me not giving them the right amount of time. Nowadays living around in a mostly stereotypical community the people are becoming very demanding of time when it comes to relationship just five minutes without a reply on a text message doubt will already overcome. Say goodnight early and you are already worthless. Society is becoming demanding of dialogue when it comes to love,  but for me a moment of quietness together can make your love much stronger than talking with each other.

      How can we show our love on the romantic side? There are many ways, many unique ways and on the other side traditional and conventional ways. No option is cooler or much better it depends on our own preference and perspective. Here is mine: 

    When it comes to family I am not very vocal unless I am prompted to. The way I show it is through obedience and how I cancel things to find time for them even a final exam, I am willing to if they wanted me. When it comes to a special someone I commonly show it through gifts, it was a psychological action embedded during childhood. My parents are both working class and the way they show that they still care is through "pasalubong", sometimes it's not enough but later on in my pre-teen years I realized the responsibility that parents bear that's why I don't ask them for time too much by then. My extended family has been a well for that time (Most people don't want an extended family but these are some of the pros especially when a couple are both in the working class.).

    Someone told me it is not normal to show feelings through gifts that's why I'm often misunderstood. But aside from that there is a much prominent thing it is giving time in the moment when they needed it, and of course not all situations it is a given limitation for humans.  It may not be as sweet as a cake or a bar of chocolate but I always try to be at my special someones' tough times. It does not bother me if I am not able to attend at her glorious moment but to be at her trying times I am more than willing to. But I am no master fortune teller none of us were, if we always know that's too creepy I think. She has to tell me, show me or see for myself, and in moments when I just feel somethings not right I always go and ask. When it comes to communication weekly or monthly is my preference. I respect working space as well as personal space, to know that she's okay for the past week is enough for me, but if she asks more time I am willing to give that, sometimes I am being indirect and ask a co-worker or friend about her situation at a much frequent basis, sometimes a friend knows better than a lover and spills the beans much easier than directly asking. When I say sweet words I hope she cherishes it, I seriously mean it. I don't frequently tell a "banat" but I enjoy sharing some occasionally to her. Also I don't usually ask, "pwede bang manligaw?" to the girl, probably to her parents I would ask that. I find it not as a courtesy to a girl but I see it as checking chances and I am uncomfortable with it.  I believe that love is blind, it's never easy to see the perfect fit.

     Well there is more to me than that, and those things I just mentioned might change in a matter of time let this blog be the time capsule, the memo and the diary of my late October 2015 thoughts. As Ramon Bautista would have said it, "There is more to life than love." It is true but if I add a bit of my perspective on that I would say it is more like, "There is more to love as you go on with life." I believe that love blooms more meaning as you go through the maze of life. 

    How do you see it? How do you show it? I also want to know. Looking at my clock it's already 1:06 am October 28, 2015 what a coincidence, Happy I Love You day to you readers. (BTW: I did not write this straight starting October 26, 2015 I got sleepy that time and continued on the evening of the 27th.)

The Sting of Losing a Last Chance

     Should I regret? Should I blame myself? It is something that I lack? These are the questions in my mind right now. The title speaks for itself about the things that happened. March 14, 2015 until the morning of March 15, 2015 I lost my last chance. In these dates our organization held a party, a party comparable to a JS promenade we call it, "CpE Night"(Computer Engineering Night). A week before the day it was held I volunteered to participate on the dinner acoustic performance, aside from the lineup I prepared two songs to dedicate to a girl I like the songs are; "Ordinary Song"(I don't know the original artist who made this song.) and "Kung Ok Lang Sayo"(by Truefaith). "Kung Ok Lang Sayo" reflects what I really feel about her. Unfortunately even though I practiced these songs aside from the lineup I was unable to play it because of the lack of time. But before that my first and last chance to have a picture during the "CpE Night" has also passed by, I had the opportunity in front of me but I just can't "pull the trigger" to do so. I don't know why but I shy. I partially manned as one of the receptionist behind her but it was too busy back there to ask for a picture.

   That evening after the registration period up to the main event after dinner it was already frustrating on every turn, i am losing my "shots". But before I state the third and last sting I would like to briefly share the story on how I got interested on her. It was our time in 4th year college. I participated in a street dance competition, she was not a dancer but a props maker that time. Once they had an overnight in our house along with other props maker and I was dead tired back then after the practice. (the routine is always 10am until 11pm, the worst is 10am until 4am of the next day.) I woke up the next morning she is still working on the props and according to my mother she didn't sleep not only that, she continued working the rest of the day that's how her name got registered on my mind, the beginning of the admiration. Then this year coincidence happened she and she became a organization officer, I was a volunteer that time. And I also saw her kindheartedness. People are people of course I also saw her get pissed or mad about something but these emotions come with the right reasons, she also has her wacky side and this year I tried to know her better.

   Without further ado this is the last sting of a last chance: I was unable to ask her for dance. I wanted to ask her but I was timid, I lose the words, I am grasping what I was unable to say and because of that someone else took the opportunity. So I danced with my female friends on my section first but after that the slow music stopped. Still hoping for the second batch but it was too late people already lost interest on the party and started packing up. I was planning on a desperate move to ask her even though only few people are dancing while the music is playing but before I said the words she was got busy searching for the office keys and that's it, no last chances played, no last chances for the slow and timid. I feel like a mess, I screwed up my own opportunities. I really took a moment to cry out in silence.

   Even though it turned out that way the homily of the Sunday mass got me. While there is life there is hope . It is true that those were last chances she will be graduating, next year she might not be there. But even though in the course of our lives we lose many of these kinds of chances  as long as we live our lives in the fullest we are given infinite possibilities, a multitude of opportunities and a promise of hope each day. But it hurts me that life is too short wasting, but I must not be hard on blaming myself. I must also look and believe on another window that there are many more ways to show my affection and many more ways to know her better. I hope I'll feel better soon.